Comments can lead to questions, that lead to allegations, that lead to agendas …that never seem to align.
When the conversation matters, people get invested, and they get involved – with energy that can be unsettling, if unexpected. In order to keep your cool, and keep focused on your agenda, you have to have a way to remain tactful even when others aren’t.
In the face of charged remarks and a heated elevator pitch, I like to remember the concept of the Empty Chair.
The Empty Chair represents the person (or persons) who can’t be in the room for your conversation, even though the results could have a profound impact on their lives, their professions or their families.The Empty Chair is the seat at the table for the customer, the shareholder, the patient, the front-line manager or the student – the folks whose lives will be deeply touched by the results of the NEW Elevator Pitch. Consider the change you want to make, and who that change is really designed to help. Often, heated dialogue leaves out the person or persons who are the focus for the business (or the charity, the university, or the hospital. You get the idea).
The Empty Chair is reserved for the person who gets left out, when agendas and frustrations overtake a difficult conversation.
You see, the NEW Elevator Pitch is designed for difficult conversations. Turbulence is expected. Every elevator pitch is about creating change, and disrupting the status quo in some way.
People resist change. People don’t like change, even when it’s good for them.
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Consider the Empty Chair, in the face of change.
What does your proposed change mean for your listener – and for the person who’s not in the room? Resistance can cause us to lose focus. Remember what matters, no matter what. Ask your listener to consider the person that will be impacted by your proposed change. Help your listener to see an important audience, even when they can’t be in the room with you. Put someone in the Empty Chair, as a reminder to keep the conversation on track, even when emotions come into play.
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The golden rule usually helps me out in these cases. I always try to consider the thoughts and feelings of others involved in the conversation.
@Brad Dudley Well said! The best conversation always starts with what your listener is thinking, if your aim is to persuade. And being honest, like @BruceSallan says, is important - but if you're so raw that you rub somebody the wrong way, it can work against you. I think @prosperitygal is right on the money - being brave and straightforward is a plus, if you remember the WHY and the WHO in a tactful way. Thanks for the comments!
Bruce I think you mistake courage and charging in as skills in conflict. I find what Chris is discussing more about being mindful and aware to remember WHY and WHO you are working for and with.
What is tact, Chris? I sort of lack it. Had lunch with a good SoMe friend who described me as "raw." When I asked what she meant, she said that I said WHATEVER was on my mind and she admired that. She described herself as too thoughtful, watching and considering her words over-carefully. In talking further, she felt that made for a good partnership on some of the things we might do together. THAT is the answer to your question of what to do in a conflict...take a moment and think, then CHARGE in!
